Week 18 – Awaken from the dead again and agian.. or not yet dead

This was how I felt when I took the MasterKey the first time..

Week 18 – Awaken from the dead again and Again or not yet dead.

I told you that I was going to kill my best friend (best friend = my old blue print), not just say goodbye but kill her, to make sure that she didn’t come back.. but sorry to say I have not found the fast way to do that..

But still trying to strangle her little by little, she keeps grasping on to any old nasty thing in my past, and drag it out.. in one way that is good because then she will take all that nonsense with her when she dies.. but oh my it is hard.

Today she pulled out an old case which I thought was buried a while back, but this time it was just a new person tricked my old blue print.. so hmm.. first it was really putting me down, and oh no, I was just starting to do so good, and feeling great, attaching any feeling I desired to any thought, but not today!

Then I realized ‘What do I pretend not to know?’ Hmm okay I have a problem with strong, powerful demanding women (maybe even people, that I don’t know yet, but especially women), maybe it is only the demanding part, and that they only want to help if there is something in it for them.. I wonder how can people like that be successful.? I know you clever heads are going to say, they might have success but do they have it in all area of life..

I have for a long time now been able to control my thoughts and not thing badly about others, and did it happen anyway, I could change it right away, but not today! Today I really wanted every bad thing possible of the entire world to happen to this lady. Grrrr.. maybe because I can’t kill my old blue print I have to react on someone else..

But this really got me off track for most of the day, and that was awful !!! I’m back now writing about it, but shoot I wasted a lot of time and energy on the wrong thing.

This MKMMA is not for wimps! I can understand why people surrender even 4 month in the process.. because this is hard work, and sometimes it really feels like you are stuck and getting nowhere.. BUT!! then it is only to look back, and remember how your life were 4 month ago.. And if nothing has changed, are you sure you want to change?, sorry.. and what do you have to lose? if you want to go for your dreams that is hard work no matter how you are going to get it, so yes this is hard work, and I have said it before, and I do it again.

NO WAY AM I GOING BACK!

Not that my life were bad, but I just want and expect more!

Week 18 – Pulling back, being scared to actually reach my dream. Why?

My first year on this journey…

Week 18 – Pulling back, being scared to actually reach my dream. Why?

This whole journey is really something, it’s amazing and it really moves a lot inside you, but of course it takes time and effort.. but that is okay if you want to go for your dream.

But are you ready for you dream?

We started giving ourselves permission to xxxx whatever we need permission to do or feel.. and boyyyy that is needed.. The old blueprint is really not letting me get my dream easily..

But last week I could smell, and touch part of my DMP, not literally but everything started to fall into place.. I (my family and I) really need an au pair, to get our life functioning as we want.. not because of luxury but need. I have wanted this for a very long time, and now we actually have more or less figured out everything, with the rooms in the house, because we then would lack one room, but no we found a way. That felt really nice, but when my husband then agreed on it and continued with ideas, I got ‘scared’, ‘oh boyyyy how will this be, and what if it really happens???’ Stupid, because I want this.. so go away with this nonsense.. I continued all my readings and that.. because I want to stay strong. Because I know it won’t come without these exercises..

5 years ago I was doing something not even close to this, but also saying a sort of DMP, at that time it was about having a vacation house in Italy, and the part about Italy was just because we had to pick a place. Me and my husband did one together before him being shipped to Afghanistan, so to manifest the same, we did a movie poster and copied and the same statement.. Then after saying this part about the vacation house in Italy, I was going to Norway on a flight and in the pocket on the chair in front of me was a magazine someone had left, hmm yeah you guessed right.. this was only about vacation houses in Italy.. I thought that it was funny and took it with me, and of course I also looked a bit in it.. then 2 weeks later I received a spam mail about yeah again.. vacation houses in Italy.. this I didn’t read, and from that day on I totally stopped readying my statements, and you guessed it, I don’t have a vacation house in Italy..

So this time I will not stop reading!! even though my dream scares me.. But I was once told that if your dream doesn’t scare you, it isn’t big enough. First I got really mad at this lady, because how could see say that.. but now I know what she meant.

But my old blueprint really want to keep me down and be struggling. because again last night my husband came and told me his plans for how to start moving everything around in the house, because it won’t just take 1 hour.. and my first reaction was, but it can wait we still haven’t hired the au pair, and still not sure if we can effort it.. but luckily I won this time too.. so today we start the next part reaching that part of my DMP 🙂

Week 17 – I realized

My first year

 

Week 17 – I realized

Monday morning – ‘Today I begin a new life’ and ‘ greet the new sun with confidence that this is the best day of my life’! Without having to reading it, this was the state I found myself in right from the moment my daughter felt it was time to get up, even though I only got 5 hours of sleep, because ‘I awake each morning with a vitality I have never known before’. This is true and that part I have felt for some time now, but that is also still in my reading everyday.. But the part with the sun is not.. but it is still in me.. and how awesome is that 🙂

When I started reading ‘Part 17’ I realized that I had to write this blog first.. because it was talking to me.. and then I will see if I have to add something in afterwards or do one more blog this week.

I have sometimes felt that this process was way too slow.. because I really want to change for the better. That has really been a frustration, and like in my last blog, I felt that I put myself up for failure over and over again..

We were told to let go.. and I want to, but at the same time didn’t really know how or what I needed to let go.. My favorite song is actually about letting go..

Maybe it all has started without me knowing what and how.. and that was why I felt so great this morning.

Week 17 A – Killing my best friend!

My first year

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Week 17a – Killing my best friend!

What?

Why?

You are not allowed to kill!

Don’t worry, this is totally legal 🙂

Saying goodbye to my very best friend, throughout 40 years, the one I always had with me, the one who had my back, or so I thought.. but not anymore.. she has to go.. and not just go.. no I have to kill her!

This is scary.. this is so much more than just letting go.. but that I have really had problems with.. what was it that I had to let go, and if I found something then why did I hold on to it.. but now knowing that the person and all the actions, the thoughts, the old blueprint is no longer serving me at all, so kill it! Burn the bridge to these peptides.. I know this might seem dramatic for you, but it has to be.. If I only say goodbye, and she leaves, then there is an option for her to return.. and I can’t take that chance.

I would not consider myself as a violent person, but sometimes you need to go to the extreme to get it.. and I think that is where I’m at.. But how do I kill her?

I know that through forming my new habits, and new blueprint she will die.. but that is not going fast enough, so what else can I do?

Stay tuned to this blog, and I will let you know if I find the fast way to kill my best friend who served my for so many years..

 

Week 16 – Why do I have a habit of setting myself up for failure?

My first year..

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Week 16 – Why do I have a habit of setting myself up for failure?

I somehow still keep getting in these situations.. so I know that my old blueprint is fighting me not to change.. but it is not going to win.

I have for a long time felt and thought that I couldn’t change the world around me.. we are talking about changing our world within, and so we do every day with all these different exercises, which I love. But I kept getting myself in these situations where I find it difficult to find the time to do them.

I didn’t feel that they were bad excuses, because I really love doing the work and finds it fascinating and fun to do.. but more like everyone and thing around me kept coming in my way. I know now that I’m the one putting them in my life, and still making my life difficult for myself..

How stupid is that!!??!!

But still that is what I do.. so how to stop? Good question.. one thing is that now I’m aware of it, then there must be a solution for it, because now I can observe it, and yes hopefully get an answer.. and yes yes.. I know you will comment, take it to a sit and you will get the answer J

How to not having to choose?

At the moment I decided.. yes it was even my idea, even though I knew it wouldn’t work out I still wanted it.. hmm.. oh but, I decided that we as family should go home to our families and stay with them, so my husband could get less stressed after having had a hard period. And of course I want him to be on top of everything, so that was why I did that, and because of my daughters 1 year birthday party, to be able to celebrate with family. I knew that it would be hard on me, because the children then couldn’t attend daycare, and at the same time I really wanted to be able to do more at this MKMMA and work in my new business..

I knew that could not be done.. and still I hoped!

Why do I have a habit of setting myself up for failure?

Week 15 – BRAG, about all the small steps, they might be bigger than you think!

My first year on the journey…..

 

Week 15 – BRAG – About all the small steps, they might not be bigger than  you think!

Changes – Frustrations – wanting results – peptides – not seeing the progress.

Sometimes you really have to step back, look back and see and feel, to know what is going on. We often can see the changes in others but we fail to see them in ourselves, because we want big results, and don’t think anything of the small changes that is going on daily, weekly, and turn into monthly and then woops NOW a big change.

I can see in the comments that I get that people just by reading my blogs, can see me changing, and wow if that is so.. then there must really be going some changes on, because what I write is so brief and not everything what I struggle with and not about my progress. Mostly I write about all the frustrations and all the picadors I fight daily.

Last week I wrote about seeing, and being the observer, and this week I have looked even more.

Normally I have mid-week crises.. really!! Wednesday and Thursday I really fight every week, and hold on to whatever it takes for me to get through, because I know everything is better as soon as we especially hits Sunday and a new week begins..

This week I must brag..!!! Women tent to brag way too little, so here we go J

This week my crises first came today!! Yeah 2 whole days longer than normal!!! YEAH!!!

I could beat myself up over that I still have them, but why..?? I have made progress, and I also found my way out of it again already today, and it only took me 6 hours. You might think that 6 hours is a lot, and now writing 6 hours it seems long, but hey before it took me at least 48 hours.. so going from that to 6, that is AMAZING!!!

I have learned about my mistakes, that doesn’t mean that I have corrected them all yet, but I now know what will happen if I don’t prioritize myself. I know what is going to happen if I don’t ‘Do it now’ and postpone it like an very old habit was.. And why set myself u for this defeat? I know that it is the peptides.. but now I also know that I can create new and better ones, the ones that gets me what I want J

I normally do my blog Monday, and if I don’t it ends up with not knowing what to write about and feeling left behind and frustrated, because then suddenly there is a deadline.. and I beat myself up over it. This week I didn’t do ‘Do it now’ so here I am Friday doing my blog, but not frustrated YEAH!!! One more victory!

I also looked at my habits, my peptides and boy are they funny, and I really look forward to kill some more of them.. I see myself reacting as if this is the way to react, but I no longer have the feelings connecting with these actions, but my body still do it.. Ex. Getting upset about something, where I before would raise my voice and really get angry.. I now like try to do the same, but it is not what I feel, and it feels strange, but I still raise my voice, even though I actually don’t want to. Because I want to solve problems without getting angry.. and I now know that I can because I don’t get angry inside, my body just do as it have done for too long.. strange! But being an observer I know that it is changing in the right direction, and now knowing it will help be kill the last peptides holding on to the angry part. I’m not saying that it isn’t okay to become angry sometimes, but …

Week 14 – If you look and see, you will learn something!

My first year…

Week 14 – If you look and see, you will learn something.

I have always been a great observer when seeing movies and always knew how things would turn out long before everyone else, but having this assignment to watch a movie through a certain set of glasses was fascinating, and how obvious all the characters were, and all the things we are working on. I know off course Mark did pick certain movies where we can link all these things, but still.

I actually think I will see the movie again not because it was an amazing movie, but to watch it with my husband and see what he sees, and what he gets out of it without influencing him first. It would be more fun to do it with another movie, but they are not easy to find outside the US. And at the same time when you see a movie the 2nd time you see something else.

Another funny thing is, now I only could easily access this one movie (‘Rudy’) I had no choice to at least start with this one, but that was not a coincidence. I don’t believe in coincidences. And I talked to my mastermind partner about it, and so funny because her movie also talked to her, and she had something happen to her similar to what happened in the movie, and I couldn’t relate to that at all, and she couldn’t relate to the movie I saw.

I’m not going to tell you about the movie, because I think you should see it yourself, but.. of course I’m going to tell you something since that is our assignment for the blog this week.

I saw the movie last week without actually having all the DMP, POA etc. in mind, but at the same time they were there, how could they not be.

The masterminding part in the movie I didn’t see when I saw the movie, but when Mark in the video this week said the word masterminding, I could see it right away, and at the same time started thinking of all the masterminding a lot of us do maybe even daily, just not conscious, and that is why it’s not masterminding.

I was hard to see a movie, where you could see how the “cement” was poured over this young boy, all the time being told that ‘you can’t do this’, ‘stop this nonsense’, ‘you will never achieve that’ etc. from his own dad, and then his brothers.. And how amazing that in spite of what everyone else believe he still continued against all odds, toward his dream. Yes he seemed stupid and fare out, but how far are you, me, willing to go for our dream, or is it just a nice to have thing, or is it a burning desire like this dream were for Rudy. Are we willing to look outside the obvious way to get to our goal, can we think outside the box? Are we ready to change our POA if new challenges comes our way.? or do we just say as most people, and like everyone else in the movie, ‘oh, this was just not for me’, I was not born to do great’ OH YES WE ARE!!!

In the movie you also see how things normally goes in a family, and in society. You grow up and do what is expected of you, nothing more than that. In this movie the father was a steelworkers or he owned the factory, so of course his sons should be a part of that business, what else was there to do in this small town? Don’t think for yourself.. just do what is expected..

An older son to Rudy, had the talent to do what Rudy wanted, but he just didn’t go for it, he just did as his dad told him to do, get work, find a wife etc. And so did Rudy, but he kept his dream inside and sadly one day his best friends dies, and that is the eye-opener for Rudy. And that is often what it takes for us to make changes in our life. It is sad that we often have to hit bottom before trying to get something better out of life..

I know we are working on it, and we are wanting to change, but do we really go the extra mill?

ARE YOU?

Are you really wanting your dream on your DMP-card? or is it only a dream?

Are you ready to go the extra mill TODAY?

DO IT NOW!

THIS IS YOUR LIFE 🙂

Week 13 – I want to scream!

4 years ago..

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Week 13 – I want to scream!

I don’t know what it is.. I could hope that it was to get all the concrete of all at once.. but it’s not that easy.

I have written before that it seems like everything is out to get me, that there all the time keeps coming obstacles.. or a ton of new picadors running my way.

Sometimes when I read other blogs it’s like they struggle inside, where I feel everything around me is out to get me down.. and I know it then has to do with how I react to these situations. I heard about these crabs that you can’t catch, only if you get 2 or more at the time, because then they will stop each other in getting back out, and if one crab continues to try they cut of his legs so he can’t run. That is how I feel.

At the same time it’s like I REALLY want to scream, I really want to hump up and down and be REALLY ANGRY.. I’m really tired of being the one looking at all things the nice way, the good way, see the good in everything.. not because I don’t believe it, and do see it, but it’s just like nothing is getting back from this. Only more hard work, more explaining ‘why do you do this?’ ‘why have you put up these shape?’ ‘What good do you think will come out of that?’ I know that they are coming out of fear, but I really tired of ignorant people, I need new friends and family.. LOL

At the same time as feeling that I have changed or the world around me is different, either way.. yeah I also feel that nothing has happened, and I’m afraid because we are already half way, so I feel that I should have done better, there should have come just some results by now.. there somehow should have shown me some kind of a way or a light to follow.. but I feel like I’m stuck and at the same time falling. Falling back into the black hole, where normal is! Suddenly I feel my demands and dreams are too high, and that all the doubt comes with his ugly face..

The small glimzzzz of seeing a progress and loving this, somehow was taken from me again.. I’m fighting back, but GD it is hard to keep doing that..

And now I also need to be more grateful. I know I need to and that it is good to be because that is really not something we in Scandinavia is use to, not for real. But when you most of all just want to kick and scream it can be difficult. Oh I could be grateful that there is no one to kick or scream at at them moment 🙂 LOL

The hardest part is that it is all my own fault! I keep bringing these picadors into my life.. I attract all the challenges.. how hard is that to put on my shoulders on top of it all.. GREAT!!! I know it.. but at the same time I have no idea what it is that I’m telling the universe.. so I really have to listen even closer to my thoughts every second, because this has to STOP NOW!!!

So rephrasing and rethinking everything.. how can I put this, so that I’m very precise on what I want..??? hmmm… this is not only about the big stuff, but all the little things too.. (HURRRAAAAA more ‘work’)

Week 10 – Are you the bull or the picador? – Part 2

Week 10 – Are you the bull or the picador – part 2

I am the bull!

It is interesting how turning the words, the pictures around, you can see it with the eye you want to.. and we all know that everyone see the world through their glasses, but at the same time we don’t think that the same story can mean the totally opposite of how you see it.

As you know from part 1, I could only see one version. The version where I am the picador and the world is coming at me, like the bull who comes again and again, and I just stand there fighting back with all my knowledge and love. But today reading that part again, I had to stop and write this, because it dawned on me.. NO I AM THE BULL, there is just not only one picador.. it’s like whatever way I turn in this arena there is a picador ready to fight, so actually there is no way out (or no way to get to the goal) without a fight.

But there is also a saying – fight for what you love, so..

So now I see the picador as all the obstacles coming my way, the negative thoughts, the negative people, the challenges showing up on my doorstep etc. etc. etc.

So as in a prior post – BRING IT ON!

I READY TO KILL A LOT OF PICADORS

So be sure you are not the picador on my doorstep. 🙂

Week 10 – Are you the bull or the picador? Part 1

4 years ago I was really wondering

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Week 10 – Are you the bull or the picador?

Actually I first was going to write about – who is going to lick the voons.. when you keep trying and trying and trying.. like the bull, how to heal, where to heal.. I know you heal once you have succeed, but that can take a while.

Then a saw something.. Hmm.. maybe I’m not the bull at the moment, maybe I’m the picador? And that is why I keep feeling that everything comes at me, I’m defending myself, I’m trying to use my shield of ‘I love you’ but I’m still only the picador, I need to become the bull, and attack my goal.

This makes great since.. so now it’s just how to turn into the bull?