Week 13 – I want to scream!

4 years ago..

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Week 13 – I want to scream!

I don’t know what it is.. I could hope that it was to get all the concrete of all at once.. but it’s not that easy.

I have written before that it seems like everything is out to get me, that there all the time keeps coming obstacles.. or a ton of new picadors running my way.

Sometimes when I read other blogs it’s like they struggle inside, where I feel everything around me is out to get me down.. and I know it then has to do with how I react to these situations. I heard about these crabs that you can’t catch, only if you get 2 or more at the time, because then they will stop each other in getting back out, and if one crab continues to try they cut of his legs so he can’t run. That is how I feel.

At the same time it’s like I REALLY want to scream, I really want to hump up and down and be REALLY ANGRY.. I’m really tired of being the one looking at all things the nice way, the good way, see the good in everything.. not because I don’t believe it, and do see it, but it’s just like nothing is getting back from this. Only more hard work, more explaining ‘why do you do this?’ ‘why have you put up these shape?’ ‘What good do you think will come out of that?’ I know that they are coming out of fear, but I really tired of ignorant people, I need new friends and family.. LOL

At the same time as feeling that I have changed or the world around me is different, either way.. yeah I also feel that nothing has happened, and I’m afraid because we are already half way, so I feel that I should have done better, there should have come just some results by now.. there somehow should have shown me some kind of a way or a light to follow.. but I feel like I’m stuck and at the same time falling. Falling back into the black hole, where normal is! Suddenly I feel my demands and dreams are too high, and that all the doubt comes with his ugly face..

The small glimzzzz of seeing a progress and loving this, somehow was taken from me again.. I’m fighting back, but GD it is hard to keep doing that..

And now I also need to be more grateful. I know I need to and that it is good to be because that is really not something we in Scandinavia is use to, not for real. But when you most of all just want to kick and scream it can be difficult. Oh I could be grateful that there is no one to kick or scream at at them moment πŸ™‚ LOL

The hardest part is that it is all my own fault! I keep bringing these picadors into my life.. I attract all the challenges.. how hard is that to put on my shoulders on top of it all.. GREAT!!! I know it.. but at the same time I have no idea what it is that I’m telling the universe.. so I really have to listen even closer to my thoughts every second, because this has to STOP NOW!!!

So rephrasing and rethinking everything.. how can I put this, so that I’m very precise on what I want..??? hmmm… this is not only about the big stuff, but all the little things too.. (HURRRAAAAA more ‘work’)

Week 10 – Are you the bull or the picador? – Part 2

Week 10 – Are you the bull or the picador – part 2

I am the bull!

It is interesting how turning the words, the pictures around, you can see it with the eye you want to.. and we all know that everyone see the world through their glasses, but at the same time we don’t think that the same story can mean the totally opposite of how you see it.

As you know from part 1, I could only see one version. The version where I am the picador and the world is coming at me, like the bull who comes again and again, and I just stand there fighting back with all my knowledge and love. But today reading that part again, I had to stop and write this, because it dawned on me.. NO I AM THE BULL, there is just not only one picador.. it’s like whatever way I turn in this arena there is a picador ready to fight, so actually there is no way out (or no way to get to the goal) without a fight.

But there is also a saying – fight for what you love, so..

So now I see the picador as all the obstacles coming my way, the negative thoughts, the negative people, the challenges showing up on my doorstep etc. etc. etc.

So as in a prior post – BRING IT ON!

I READY TO KILL A LOT OF PICADORS

So be sure you are not the picador on my doorstep. πŸ™‚

Week 10 – Are you the bull or the picador? Part 1

4 years ago I was really wondering

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Week 10 – Are you the bull or the picador?

Actually I first was going to write about – who is going to lick the voons.. when you keep trying and trying and trying.. like the bull, how to heal, where to heal.. I know you heal once you have succeed, but that can take a while.

Then a saw something.. Hmm.. maybe I’m not the bull at the moment, maybe I’m the picador? And that is why I keep feeling that everything comes at me, I’m defending myself, I’m trying to use my shield of ‘I love you’ but I’m still only the picador, I need to become the bull, and attack my goal.

This makes great since.. so now it’s just how to turn into the bull?

Week 12 – Looking for the more time to kick in

This is so funny – I do remember this so clear.. Mark keeps telling us that it will be no more work, and we would get more time.. hmm… more wants more or? where is this time?

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Week 12 – Looking for the more time to kick in

I don’t know how you all do it.. with work and family..

At one point I don’t feel that there is too many things to do or read, but then when I get started, or at the end of the day where I find out that I still haven’t read xxxx.. I get frustrated.

I want to do better, and I want to spend more time on changing to the best version of me there is..

I would love if we could pause the world just for a month or so.. so I could catch up again.

This is a ride, and I started out this week being eager and almost waiting for the time to come where I should read my scroll and all the other stuff.. and I actually still have that feeling, but I also have the feeling of not having time to do it all..

No more sleep for me.. already now I know that in 2 maybe 3 hours my family wakes up and a new perfect, amazing day starts.

On top of that sickness has arrived in the house, we never tried that both of us are sick at the same time, so yes a new challenge, HUUURRAAA for me just have recorded everything again so that I don’t have to use energy to keep my eyes open to read and read and read.

So tomorrow I wake up knowing that this is going to be the best day of my life πŸ™‚

Week 11 – Ready to REALLY make new peptides!

4 years ago – this was how this week felt.. and it was such an enormous way.. and is still very powerful in me..

Being the observer of myself can be hard. I can really see that habits really can be strong and that the peptides really have a strong power.

I found myself reacting upset because that is the way I normally would react, but I was actually not upset, I was not angry, but my body and mouth just acted almost like before. Not as loud or irritated, I could really see the change, which was great.. on my way to be the best version of myself.

But what really was interesting was the part with having more or less no control over that my actions just came automatically, without actually wanting to act this way.

The story about the man going to get his coffee every day and getting his fix of being angry really got me thinking, and seeing things. Not only with myself, but with my boy as well. He expects certain reactions from me and my husband when he does things, and I can see that he sometimes also seek the negative reactions. I have often thought to myself, why does he seek that and not the good part, but now I know that he actually is not doing it with purpose.. it is the old habits and peptides that is in charge.. interesting, great to know and somehow a relief. Now then it is just how to figure out how to break these peptides and create new ones. I know how hard it is to do yourself, and he is too young to do that, so I need to help him do it unconscious, because I can’t get him to do assignments.. or maybe he can..

I now understands why these peptides can get really really strong, when they start out in our childhood and never get cleaned out.. I can see that my mission really fits with this, to get children and youngsters to be themselves and be self-confident really is important. It is so important that we start in the childhood, so that we get more self-confident teenagers, grownups and also the elderly.

 

Week 10 – do the same with new results – interesting!

4 years ago I wrote

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Week 10 – Scroll 3

It is funny how things are put into a new context and then it is totally okay to do the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result, or?

I know I’m not a bull, but then it says ‘I recognize that each day I am tested by life in like manner’ (as the bull in the arena). ‘If I persist, if I continue to try, if I continue to charge forward, I will succeed.’

And at the same time you are always told that if you continue to charge forward that is stupidity, especially if you expect different results, and that we do, or else it wouldn’t say ‘I will succeed.’

I know if I stop, if I don’t try again, yes I will not succeed, but at the same time it is not only about trying. First of all trying is only if you’re not really sure that is what you want.. it is very weak. As then I can say ‘hey I tried’.. I need to do it a different way, and maybe the bull see each attempt as a new opportunity, as a new angel that now it is possible, that I don’t know. But from the outside it looks like a stupid fight that it can’t win, doing the same over and over again expecting that this time is different.

I know that I need to keep on doing something to reach the goal, and that I need to put myself in the arena.. but to just charge forward.. hmmm…

The first time I read it, that was just what it was, but then it started getting me thinking.. is this right? am I at the moment just being the sheep following the shepherd, and not thinking on my own.. I know this book is good, I know it already have changed a lot inside me.. but still is this true.. what if it was put in another context..

hmm I need to think, and let me see what will come to me during this next month of reading this over and over again.. do I get it, or do I just get brainwashed? interesting πŸ™‚

I know everything is as they are suppose to be, so everything is great πŸ™‚

Week 9 – Masterminding

Don’t underestimate the value of masterminding..

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I have wanted to have someone to mastermind with for a long time, but where to find someone who wants to be there for me like that, and so often, and not just tell me what they think I want to hear.

I just love this MKMMA, for everything I have been wanting, and waiting for, (or quite a lot of it), is a part of this. So now I also have one that I’m masterminding with, and I don’t believe in coincidences, and actually she doesn’t either. I didn’t know anything about her when we linked up, but we have so much in common, that is it almost scary, but I really look forward to get to know her over the next weeks, and see what will come out of this new friendship.

About no coincidences, just think there is a reason for the person to be in my life, why??? Maybe to help, maybe to teach me something, maybe she/he needs you. So when you pick a masterpartner, don’t pick someone you know, what will you gain from that? You know how they are, you know what they will say more or less when you ask, so there is nothing new in that, and you will not develop. Look at the blog role, and pick a name, write to them and see if they want to connect. You might look for someone with the same time zone that makes things so much easier. I didn’t, but it ended up that way anyway. Trust the universe! There is always a reason for this person to inters you life, maybe only for a very short period of time, or maybe for life.

Also look on the people already in your life, that is exactly the same. If you have people in your life that is annoying you, frustrating you, stop and think WHY? Why are they a part of your life? is it time to let them go? or is there something that you need to learn from this person. Maybe not that they are going to teach you like face to face, but more the situations that you end up in regarding this person. Maybe you need to learn to handle these type of people, learn to say no, or learn to appreciate others situations.. the reasons can be many, but there is one.

Mastermind after each Sunday call, is optional, but it shouldn’t be, that is my opinion. If I should in few words tell anyone what I learned on this last call, it would be from the masterminding at the end. Not that I didn’t get the whole call, and not because that was the last thing, so that is why it is fresh in my memory. No because here is the questions and frustrations, that I have been feeling, thinking of, and it almost feels like I’m asking the questions, at least I get my questions answered. And you figure out that ‘hey I’m not alone on this journey, I’m not the only one having these thoughts etc.’ And you get help you get answers to why this is. How amazing is that.!!!

Love where this is going. πŸ™‚