4 years ago..
Week 13 – I want to scream!
I don’t know what it is.. I could hope that it was to get all the concrete of all at once.. but it’s not that easy.
I have written before that it seems like everything is out to get me, that there all the time keeps coming obstacles.. or a ton of new picadors running my way.
Sometimes when I read other blogs it’s like they struggle inside, where I feel everything around me is out to get me down.. and I know it then has to do with how I react to these situations. I heard about these crabs that you can’t catch, only if you get 2 or more at the time, because then they will stop each other in getting back out, and if one crab continues to try they cut of his legs so he can’t run. That is how I feel.
At the same time it’s like I REALLY want to scream, I really want to hump up and down and be REALLY ANGRY.. I’m really tired of being the one looking at all things the nice way, the good way, see the good in everything.. not because I don’t believe it, and do see it, but it’s just like nothing is getting back from this. Only more hard work, more explaining ‘why do you do this?’ ‘why have you put up these shape?’ ‘What good do you think will come out of that?’ I know that they are coming out of fear, but I really tired of ignorant people, I need new friends and family.. LOL
At the same time as feeling that I have changed or the world around me is different, either way.. yeah I also feel that nothing has happened, and I’m afraid because we are already half way, so I feel that I should have done better, there should have come just some results by now.. there somehow should have shown me some kind of a way or a light to follow.. but I feel like I’m stuck and at the same time falling. Falling back into the black hole, where normal is! Suddenly I feel my demands and dreams are too high, and that all the doubt comes with his ugly face..
The small glimzzzz of seeing a progress and loving this, somehow was taken from me again.. I’m fighting back, but GD it is hard to keep doing that..
And now I also need to be more grateful. I know I need to and that it is good to be because that is really not something we in Scandinavia is use to, not for real. But when you most of all just want to kick and scream it can be difficult. Oh I could be grateful that there is no one to kick or scream at at them moment 🙂 LOL
The hardest part is that it is all my own fault! I keep bringing these picadors into my life.. I attract all the challenges.. how hard is that to put on my shoulders on top of it all.. GREAT!!! I know it.. but at the same time I have no idea what it is that I’m telling the universe.. so I really have to listen even closer to my thoughts every second, because this has to STOP NOW!!!
So rephrasing and rethinking everything.. how can I put this, so that I’m very precise on what I want..??? hmmm… this is not only about the big stuff, but all the little things too.. (HURRRAAAAA more ‘work’)